Experiencing the Fuller Life

Pamela and I have just finished our third week at Harvest Community School. We found this week quite hectic because the elementary class teacher enjoyed a week of vacation. That meant the headmaster and I took turns teaching. While I did not engage much with Pamela one-on-one, she still experienced a fuller life. She fascinates children because of her savant skill in calendars, her artistic abilities, her princess lunchbox, and her boldness in telling a teacher—me—, "Director! Director! Cut!" and "You're fired." When I am not working with her, she keeps herself busy, building puzzles and triazzles, swinging on the porch swing, playing with her calculator, and using a laptop. She has far more opportunities to interact with people in an environment similar to the kind of learning environment she has enjoyed for over a decade. Thursday, she helped the elementary class build a water filter for the school pond!







I have thoroughly enjoyed applying Relationship Development Intervention ideas as we help our auties (two full-time students in the spectrum and another part-time in addition to Pamela) adapt to this new way of learning. I glean so much from them in one-on-one moments when they take a break from the classroom. Thursday, I taught one boy who has a mechanical mind and nibble fingers to sew a needle case. On Friday, he hardly needed help in sewing a running stitch in the first line on his tic-tac-toe game. The other boy and I have been sharing many perspective-taking conversations to help him see that what he thinks is not always what another person thinks. Their parents are delighted to have a school where students are doing more than the three R's—where they are engaged with the kind of hands-on, meaningful tasks that Temple Grandin recommends for students in the spectrum: drawing, handwork (right now, sewing), cleaning the pond and surrounding area, building a water filter, etc.

Friday the 13th was delightful! While chatting with a parent dropping off her child, we spotted two hummingbirds seeking nectar from a can of bug spray with a bright orange cap. (Note to self, we need a hummingbird feeder!)



Friday is The Feast, a day in which homeschoolers join us for the whole day if they choose to do so. Pamela joins the elementary class in reading two science books that they only read once a week. She is familiar with one book (Project UltraSwan) but has never read the other book (The Wright Brothers). In this photo taken last week, you can see by the expression on Pamela's face how much she enjoys the class.

Yesterday, after the morning meeting (prayer, pledge, hymn, and Spanish), the elementary students headed to the reading room. Angie walked in and saw Pamela—all smiles—sitting in the teacher's chair. Having observed Pamela and I co-read books, Angie suspected that Pamela wanted to see the text. So, she sat in the chair next to Pamela. Angie was thrilled to see how Pamela felt like she belonged. First, every time, Pamela was asked if she wanted to narrate, Pamela said, "Yes," and then narrated. Sometimes, when other students were narrating, Pamela shifted her attention to the speaker! She smiled and stayed engaged the whole time (about a half hour). Finally, when Angie started reading the unfamiliar book, Pamela leaned in to see the book. Angie and I were so excited for Pamela to take so much delight in learning, side by side, with her academic peers!

Then, the whole school headed out for our weekly nature walk at Santee National Wildlife Refuge. After a little chaos the first week, we learned to assign a group of children to one or two adults and teens. We space out the departure of the groups, some walking the loop trail in one direction and some in the other direction. Last week, one of the school co-founders, who wrote a lovely blog post about nature walks the other day, showed her group how to "fish" for "chicken chokers" (tiger beetle larvae). This week, the children from her group, all assigned to different groups, showed their friends how to lure them out of their holes! None of the adults made this happen: the students figured it out all on their own!

We returned to the school for lunch, and the afternoon was so hectic that I neglected Pamela. The homeschoolers joined us at this point for readings about Egypt (Seeker of Knowledge, Voices of Egypt, and Tutankhamun), a van Gogh picture study, wool felt sewing, living science (projects about flight), and Shakespeare. In time, I hope to fold Pamela in once we figure out our rhythm and everything flows well.

A couple of lovely moments happened yesterday afternoon.

I watched one of our auties marvel over van Gogh's Village Street and Steps in Auvers. He kept staring at it, running his fingers over the brushstrokes, narrating the vivid colors and objects in the painting. The eyes of this boy, who has the same kind of word retrieval issues as Pamela, sparkled with delight as he gazed at the masterpiece.

Before I began reading aloud to the elementary class, one of the students recalled a discussion we had had about how to remember what they read more clearly. He said, "Remember we need to narrate from the beginning of the passage to the end, and not just jump around." In the past three weeks, we have seen greater mindfulness and improved attention.

Shakespeare's Henry V was a blast. Since Act I, Scene I, has only two actors, I broke up the reading into five pages, two students per page. I gave more experienced readers the role of the Archbishop of Canterbury. To help the viewers tell them apart, I made a tall archbishop hat with double horizontal bars on the cross while the bishop wore a shorter hat and a single bar on the cross.

I gave the younger students important actions to perform: posting signs to set up the scene and representing "the church" (by holding a picture of a church), "the angel" (whipping the Adam out of Henry V), "the king" (Henry V) and "the dauphin" (future king of France). Their "acting" was perfect, even though they had not rehearsed. I gave a purse of pennies to "the church" and, when I asked "the king" to try to take it, "the church" tried to take it back from "the king" and said, "It's mine!" That is exactly what the archbishop and bishop were discussing. I gave the "Gordian knot" to the autie with nibble fingers and, while the clergy discussed the studious nature of Henry V, "the king" worked hard to undo the knot. "The angel" giggled at whipping "the king." Our youngest student wore the crown of the dauphin and his lip quivered when "the king" snatched his crown (and I had warned him that is what "the king" was supposed to do).



The past three weeks brings to mind this quote from Charlotte Mason. You can read some thoughtful ideas about one mom's take on this passage here.

Every new power, whether mechanical or spiritual, requires adjustment before it can be used to the full... to perceive that there is much which we ought to do and not to know exactly what it is, nor how to do it, does not add to the pleasure of life or to ease in living. We become worried, restless, anxious; and in the transition stage between the development of this new power and the adjustment which comes with time and experience, the fuller life, which is certainly ours, fails to make us either happier or more useful.

Getting Organized—Pamela Style!

The other day Pamela and I were packing for a trip. Here she is in the car, wearing her brothers baseball cap. She announced, "I'm pretending to be David." Then, she held an imaginary bat and swung. She was thinking back to a season in which her brother played baseball.

Pamela has been doing some amazing things lately. For about a month, she has held short conversations with Steve on Skype. The other day—without realizing what she was doing—she fooled her dad, who believed that I was chatting with him! Here is how it went down.

Tammy Glaser: Hi!

Stephen Glaser: Hi... Trying to wrap up things to get out of here at a reasonable hour, and ahead of the snow

Tammy Glaser: Four months ago! She died in 12/14/12.

Stephen Glaser: who died 12/14/12????

Tammy Glaser: Loa.

Stephen Glaser: oh yes... sorry, I was not thinking in the proper context.... sweet memories of the dog...

Tammy Glaser: What about hotel on saturday night?

Stephen Glaser: we'll stay somewhere enroute.... maybe knox or a little further perhaps

Stephen Glaser: wait.. you are Pamela!!!!

Tammy Glaser: I am going to watercolor class and see Julia.

Stephen Glaser: ok Pamela.... have fun at watercolor

Tammy Glaser: 9 years ago. Great grandma died a long time ago.

Stephen Glaser: yes she did, but we remember her fondly.... we love great Grandma

Back to our packing—Pamela packed a suitcase for her baby and filled it with clothes. She also packed a diaper bag for them!



As I reported last December, Pamela is becoming adept at organizing. This is something she has taught herself to do. She has even taken on the job of clipping Boxtops for a friend's school.



She enjoys going through our stuff, bagging related items, and putting things to their proper place. While I was busy cleaning for a visit from Steve, Pamela was doing her part! When he came home, she asked him to do a chore for her. She wanted him to take these plastic bins out of the shed for her to store old games. Pamela has gone through old storage boxes and carefully bagged game pieces together!



Many moons ago, I gathered all the old markers into one big jar. I suspect most of them have run out of ink. Pamela has sorted them by kind: sharpies, highlighters, dry erase, and other markers. She put all pens into one school supply bag (the durable kind) and all pencils, erasers, and lead into another. I wonder if she will figure out she needs to test them and toss out the dry markers, broken pens, and pens that are dry.



I posted pictures of her first two drawers. She still keeps them ship-shape!



A couple of thoughts come to mind.

• Pamela never lined up toys when she was little. Children in the autism spectrum typically do this. She did not!
• She chooses to do this. Unlike many children with autism, she is throwing away trash voluntarily. Some people in the spectrum are traumatized when people throw out what appears to be trash.
• Watching Pamela come into her own as a person is an amazing thing to behold.
• When asked by a friend if she would do this at their house, Pamela responded, "You're joking!" But, I do wonder if this could turn into a niche career. Most people hate organizing their stuff!

A Little Consideration

Before getting into the meat of this post, a few unrelated administrative things:

1. I blogged our adventures on the trail we adopted at Santee National Wildlife Refuge over at ChildLightUSA.
2. You still have time to sign up for the free interviews at Pro-Active Development. You can replay everything you missed through midnight of December 17. You can even download them to your computer if you are tech savvy.
3. If you are struggling with the sameness imposed upon you by your autism spectrum child, my friend Di offers wonderful insight on how to make this happen even with the most severely affected.
4. If you have not seen it yet, you may want to watch Federal Response to Rise in Autism Rates at C-SPAN. Diet (and the challenge of implementing it), gut flora, thimerosal, numerous and combined vaccines, challenges for families, unemployed adults, etc. were addressed by witnesses as well as Representatives on both sides of the political spectrum.

Last Tuesday, Pamela and I attended a lecture by Temple Grandin at the College of Charleston. Her talk was very similar to her talk in Austin two weeks prior.

Because of her language challenges, Pamela is not going to chat in the car on the way home and share what she learned. I know of one thing that resonated with her. When Temple talked about how to help a child slowly become desensitized to balloons, Pamela smiled and whispered, "Just like May 2009!" Grandin was concerned at how few life skills people with disabilities learn. Students graduate from high school without knowing how to shop. "Don’t have a handicapped mentality,” she said. During the question and answer session, parents of young children asked for advice. Temple emphasized to make sure our children are learning to do things and not just sit around all day playing video games.

I felt pleased at how much Pamela does and helps. She has taken over more responsibilities in our meals on wheels deliveries (for example, she fills out the tally sheet). She requires only minimal help with her hygiene (mainly, I follow up in a few key areas). She can shop by herself and, since we know she can do that, she helps me. She is almost to the point of me trusting her to avoid hitting cars with a shopping cart when returning it to its proper spot in the outdoor rack. She carries groceries into the house. She fixes her own leftovers, and, when I had what resembled the flu in October, she cooked a hamburger on the stove! She also loves cleaning trash out of the car.

One thing she does not seem to enjoy is housework. She probably gets that from her mother!

I think Temple's talk must have run more deeply than I had imagined. Last Saturday, I was in the kitchen folding clothes. Pamela announced, "I'm doing chores." She was fiddling with a drawer, but I figured she was just looking for something. I watched her take out all the stray pens, markers, pencils, etc. and place them in an organizer pouch for holding stuff like that. She left the kitchen a couple of times and I thought perhaps she was getting distracted with other things. Sure enough, when I checked the drawer that night, she had done an adequate job.

The next day, she continued her task. When finished, I checked again.

CLUNK! (Jaw hitting the floor.)

It was a work of art!



I wondered what happened to some of the junk. Some of it was in the trash, where it belonged. She up-cycled a clean plastic storage container that once held ham and put several sets of card games in that. She put all the craft items, including my crochet hooks, into drawers in the living room that holds all of her sewing notions. I could see how she put a lot of thought into where things belonged. After I posted the picture on Facebook, she received several job offers including one in Australia!

Today, Pamela got under my nerves. She wanted Thai noodles for lunch but I told her I was not going to cook. She still had leftover noodles with spaghetti sauce in the refrigerator. After our little tiff, she announced, "Arwen ate lunch!" I fussed at her some more for Pamela had fed all of those leftovers to the dog! Arg! When the phone rang, I said coldly, "I just might cheer up if you get the phone." She did and left the room.

After I hung up the phone, I headed to the kitchen to fix lunch. Pamela announced, "I'm so happy." She was trying to repair our little tiff. Then, I opened the drawer with the placemats and potholder to look for plastic wrap. It was a thing of beauty to behold! She put all of the stray over-the-counter stuff into a container—heartworm medicine for the dogs, cough drops for the humans, and several punch cards holding garlic pills and expectorant tablets. She put the old batteries that have been taking up space for years in the trash. Not only did she clean, but she correctly reasoned that her actions might smooth over our fight. She had guessed well!



But, wait! There's more! The picture on the left shows how the first drawer looked before Pamela tackled the second. The picture on the right shows how she adjusted the first drawer to take in the stuff that clearly did not belong in a drawer for placemats, potholders, and wrap.

A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference. ~Winnie the Pooh

Curing Boredom

One of my favorite Dickens mini-series is Bleak House. Gillian Anderson captured haughty Lady Dedlock's boredom brilliantly. In the book, the author attributes Dedlock's boredom to monotony. What a wonderful surname he gave to someone who is perpetually bored.

They cannot go away too fast, for even here my Lady Dedlock has been bored to death. Concert, assembly, opera, theatre, drive, nothing is new to my Lady under the worn-out heavens.

Charlotte Mason observed something quite similar about teachers and children in typical schools:

The complaints made by teachers and children of the monotony of the work in our schools is full of pathos and all credit to those teachers who cheer the weary path by entertaining devices. But mind does not live and grow upon entertainment; it requires its solid meals. (Page 90)

The mind does not live on entertainment alone! How many evenings do people spend surfing hundreds of channels only to find nothing interesting? (You know we have all wasted precious hours in this mode.)

She also noted a link between boredom and rewards (grades, prizes, class rank).

The teacher who proposes marks and places as worthy aims will get work certainly but he will get no healthy love of knowledge for its own sake and no provision against the ennui of later days. The monotony I have spoken of attends all work prompted by the stimuli of marks and places; such work becomes mechanical, and there is hardly enough of it prepared to last through the course of a boy's school life. (Page 91)

What is wrong with rewards? The same thing that is wrong with trying to teach by entertainment. Both depend upon an outside person or force acting upon the person. With entertainment, somebody else performs the act of entertaining: those watching become passive. Passive learning assumes the mind is an empty bucket, waiting to be filled. It assumes that the quality of learning depends upon the skill of the teacher. The instructor can compile lessons over a year or two and repeat the course, year after year. The student can simply go through the motions, memorizing only what is needed with little thought to make the kind of connections that makes learning stick.

With rewards, somebody sets up the system and dishes out the reward when requirements are met. They do what has to be done and no more. I know of kids who will read the simplest books to rack up points for programs like Book-It or summer reading programs at the library. When one high schooler told me she never reads books, I asked, "What about school? Doesn't your school have Accelerated Reader?" She explained that she looks up information online and can pass the test without reading the book. If the grade or prize is more important to the student, then the book is the means not the end. After graduation, when the system is no longer in place, what happens to the student? Some never crack a book for many years after leaving school because they have no need to read.

Mason suggested that knowledge for its own sake is the key to holding attention.

There is no faculty within the soul which can be spared in the great work of education; but then every faculty, or rather power, works to the one end if we make the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake the object of our educational efforts. We find children ready and eager for this labour and their accomplishment is surprising. (Page 93)

She recommended that knowledge be wrapped in a story form or gained through firsthand experience. Research today shows that the mind really does hang onto ideas presented in a story format. (Why do you think Jesus spoke in parables?) Daniel Willingham, the cognitive scientist, explains that stories with four features grip the mind the best:

• Causality - one event causes or initiates another
• Conflict - a main character must overcome obstacles to reach a goal
• Complications - attempts to overcome an obstacles create problems that must be solved
• Character - strong, interesting people come alive

I have been homeschooling Pamela since 1995. We started using Mason's methods in 1999. I do not find the daily effort dull because I just never know what to expect from Pamela. In the past week, here are some things that have delighted me.

Pictures Pamela Drew for Her Architecture and Natural History Exams


Pamela's New Exploration in Science

How The Psalm This Week Was Exactly What **I** Needed to Read

How God Orchestrates Connections That I Don't Plan in Advance... Two months ago, I chose "Good Night, Moon" in Spanish to begin this term this week, which just "happens" to be the same week we begin reading a chapter on the moon in our weather book, which just "happens" to be the same week as the super moon.

How I See Pamela's Progress over Time... Three years ago, I could only say one word at a time for studied dictation of one sentence. Today, I can see three words at a time and I can pull one sentence out of a paragraph that she studied.

How Pamela Constantly Surprises Me... Before reading our book on the Alamo, which written as a first person account, Pamela announced, "I'm pretending to be Billy." Then, she said three sentences in the first person with perfect use of personal pronouns.

Do you know how many social milestones are required for a person with autism to do that?

Overcoming Passivity

For many reasons, some children in the spectrum become passive:  executive function glitches, feelings of incompetence, overprompting, doing too much for them, doing too little for them, etc. Pamela was born passive, which we mistook for patience, sweetness, and gentleness. As an infant, she hardly cried about anything. Unlike her brother, who demanded attention from day one, Pamela sat there and watched, waiting for us to read her mind. She never connected crying to getting fed, changed, and held faster. She was so passive we took her out of daycare when she was four months old and placed her with a family where she would have more one-on-one attention from a friend and her children.

Today, Pamela is anything but passive. Not only does she figure things out for herself, she can be rather demanding and bossy at times. Now, we have to work on the other side of the equation: not letting her control us. Helping her learn to initiate has been a life-long process and requires more scaffolding than being dumped into a new home with strange people (Mary Lennox and Elizabeth Ann). People often ask how to teach chores to children who can easily get stuck into a mindless routine in which they become stuck if something goes wrong or who have executive function issues that make it hard for them to initiate or shift to another step.

First, there is atmosphere. I try very hard to avoid tying performance to rewards because I'm not a behaviorist. When working on new habits, I make sure that Pamela and I have sweet moments during the day that have nothing to do with following instruction. I go out of my way to smile at her for no reason, tickle her sweetly at random moments, say things that spark giggles out of the blue, etc. I never want her thinking "Mom is only nice to me when I do what she wants." When we are forming a new habit, I make declarative comments on what we are doing, "We're washing towels" rather than clap and gush,"Yaaaaay! Good job!"

Why should she do chores if there are no rewards? Why do I do chores? I am not Mary Poppins: I take no delight in chores, even with a spoonful of sugar. Chores are things that need to be done so life runs smoothly. Laundry needs washing or we would all be running around naked. If rewards were the only reason to do chores, I would rather skip it, sit down with a cup of coffee, and read a book. I hope Pamela will notice something needs doing and do it rather than work for rewards or stick to a mindless schedule. The atmosphere of doing chores together is slow, attentive, warm and encouraging. We are sharing an experience: we are doing something together, knowing that the relationship means more than mastering every single step of laundering in two weeks or less.

We live in a performance-oriented world. It is easy to think our kids aren't learning fast enough and give up. I try to keep in mind that doing chores is more than the task. Chores are the context for us to work many areas of development: exchanging declarative comments (communication and language), embedding body language and facial expression (nonverbal communication), adjusting to each other's pace (referencing), knowing what to do when the washer is already full or the door is hard to open (problem solving), knowing that there is such a thing as too full (judgment), etc. Because I teach life skills in a contextualized manner, I don't worry if it takes two months to master every step and contingency.

Building interaction patterns (shared with me by our RDI consultant) through chores and anything that is part of your day sets up a framework that does two things: create a framework for learning many tasks and lay a concrete foundation for the flow of conversations. Most interactions follow one of three patterns, or a sophisticated combination of them: simultaneous, alternating, and assembly line (you can read about all three here). Once kids recognize the pattern, it is easier to take an active role in a wide variety of interactions with people rather than feeling confused and withdraw.

Another important ingredient worth including is going very slowly and waiting for them to take a step. Our kids process much more slowly than we realize. When we rush and push, they feel incompetent and give up, making them more passive. We must go slowly enough for them to observe, think, and react--at their pace, not ours. Slow interactions invite our children to join in because they feel like they can keep up and succeed. Enough positive memories of taking an active role encourages them to initiate more. RDI consultants suggest waiting as long as 45 seconds to avoid missing an opportunity to think.

So, what if you had an extremely passive child? How would this look? Planning is everything: you want to set them up for success by making it easy at first. Sort the laundry and have the laundry that needs washing accessible. Have the detergent out and the cap slightly loosened. If they are too short to reach the washer, think about how your child will physically do it. An energetic child might enjoy taking turns "shooting hoops" while a sedentary child might sit on top of the dryer and drop clothing into the washer in assembly line fashion.

Another thing to think through is your hierarchy of prompting. You want to try the least direct prompt possible and wait for a reaction before trying a more direct prompt. The very first thing you do in any interaction is seek the person's attention. How would you do that in real life with a non-autistic person? Clear your throat and wait. Wave your hand. Move closer. Would you ever say to a friend, co-worker, or boss, "Look at me"?

If your child is not used to shifting attention to you, you may need to get extreme. Do or say something completely surprising like sing "Who let the dogs out?" You may need to move your face in an odd angle until your child cannot avoid seeing that you want her attention. Attention is not the act of eyeballing a person. There is a mental shift to observe you as a whole person: what you are doing and saying. I know Pamela is paying attention in how she reacts to me, not how long she gazes at me.

Timing is important too. Interrupting the credits of a movie is not a good idea (that is an issue for another day). Set everything up and wait for the right time such as after the child is in the process of transitioning from one thing to another. With a bright face and cheery voice, you might announce, "We're going to start the laundry." Then, grab her hand, walk with her into the laundry area, and guide her to the position  where she will be working.

If your child is completely passive, this is the time for many long, awkward pauses. They are not used to thinking and acting! Do something to encourage her to shift attention to you and wait. Move through the hierarchy for getting attention (each time waiting) until she turns her gaze toward you and then point to the door. Pointing to something is more indirect than commanding, "Open the door." It requires the child to think: What is Mom pointing at? Why is she pointing? Does she want me to do something? What does she want me to do? Why does she keep staring at me?

Until your child opens the door, you could try a variety of indirect prompts (waiting between each one): tap on the door, put your hand on the latch, try shoving a piece of clothing through the door, guide her hand to the latch, help her partially open it, help her open it all the way, etc. You could even think out loud, "We have to put clothes in the washer" and wait. Or say, "I wonder what we should do first" and wait. Or try, "Uh, oh! The door is closed." This sounds very slow and laborious but will be worth the effort when your child starts showing initiative. If we just verbally command (or look at a picture schedule), it will be hard for them to learn to think for themselves. When she finally opens the door, you might gasp with a big smile and, when she looks at you, say, "We opened the door!" Give her some time to reflect on  that big moment before going on to the next step.

Once the door is open, you start the interaction pattern of transferring pieces of clothing into the washer. At first you want to be very predictable and build their confidence in knowing what to do. Before the process becomes mindless, you inject a little uncertainty (drop a piece of clothing, put it on your head, put it in the hamper, etc.) and see how your child handles it. Without uncertainty, the interaction becomes mindless and you miss the change to foster flexible thinking and problem solving.

Pamela initiates very well and takes active roles. Here is how it went down with us. Before we started, I sorted the towels and sundry cloths in a hamper. I put the detergent on top of the washer and the hamper in front of the dryer. Then I waited. We were going shopping (something she wanted), so I waited for her to come in the kitchen and ask about it. Then, I told her we would go after starting laundry. We stepped into the laundry room, and I pointed to the washing machine door. She opened it.

Then, we hit our first glitch: David had washed his clothes the day before and forgot to transfer them to the dryer. Pamela looked in and said, "They're wet!" Then, I smelled them (my sense of smell is shot because of my cold), and I couldn't tell if they needed rewashing. I explained to her my thinking, "I'm not sure if they're clean," and I closed the door.

I pointed to the tray where we pour in the detergent. She tried opening it but couldn't because you have to shift a hidden latch to the right. She looked at me, "It's stuck." So, I pulled it a little way open and she finished. I took the cap off the detergent and gave it to her. She held the cap while I poured. I pointed to the section for the detergent, and she poured. I placed my palm on the door like I was closing it and she closed it. I showed her what button to push (which you have to push twice). I handed her the big detergent bottle and pointed to the corner of the shelf where it belongs. She put it away. We paused and I put my hand on my ear. Why? Sometimes, the door isn't closed quite right and it makes a grinding noise. When I heard the correct noise (the water being released), I smiled and said, "Whooossh!" so she knew that is the sound you need to hear.

We have started two more loads of laundry since. Because the first round went so smoothly, I added some challenges. I waited for her to open the door without any indirect prompting. I left the detergent on the shelf, so she had to retrieve it and let her open the bottle. I didn't open the detergent tray for her. I placed her hand on the latch and helped her shift it to the right. Everything went so smoothly that the third time, I added more variation. I held the cup while she poured the detergent (a more challenging task). The only problem she had was with the latch, but eventually she will figure it out. Because she is a quick study at learning chores, I suspect she will be self-sufficient in a week or two.

Talk about bliss: both of my kids starting a load of laundry!

Training Habits without Losing Your Mind!

If you are expecting charts, stickers, timeouts, schedules, programs, organizational tips-- (which seem to work best for the organized)--please find another blog. You will not see any of that here!

Back in February, a friend started a local Charlotte Mason study group. This is the first time I have ever gotten to read her books and swap stories with skin friends. Last week we covered habit training, which we can easily look like dog training with velvet gloves if we get all legalistic. When I applied the ideas our group shared to guide kids in our church's after-school program in relational ways, class went more smoothly. Another friend who teaches a college class on disabilities set up a video call with me, so her students could talk to a family living what they are learning. They asked my opinion of behaviorism and received the flip side of raising autistic children: through relationships, not rules! Last week, our church Bible study focused on living Christ's principles (by staying connected to Him Colossians 2:19-23) and to avoid becoming enslaved by worldly principles ("Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"). Then, a cyber friend asked about helping her teenager keep a cleaner room in a Mason way. God tossed all of these circumstance into my life in the past two days, so I got the hint and decided to blog it!

Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) (our favorite autism therapy) and Charlotte Mason (our favorite method of education) have similar ways of guiding children in their thinking. When our thoughts change, changed behavior will follow. Both begin with parents: the way we think affects the way we parent. We need to start with the head and heart for change to occur: the head and heart of the family changing first, which then flows into the head and heart of the child. Mason recommended parents cultivating three habits when training their children: tact, watchfulness, and persistence. These three habits dovetail very nicely with RDI.

Tact - Tact means saying, "Dave, can you come here for a minute?" instead of "DAVID JOSEPH GLASER!!" Tone of voice alone can mean the difference between a strong-willed child showing up with an open hand or closed fists. It means using a hopeful and expectant look rather than a frown and glaring eyes. It is giving a few brief words and having a conversation, not a dreary monologue, to help your child understand why a habit is important to you and will benefit them. Half the battle is won when you and your child agree about why a habit is needed. Tact means knowing your child well enough to find the right idea to inspire him to reform his ways.

Watchfulness - Watchfulness means observing your child and figuring out the best way to approach a new habit based on her nature. It means being aware of triggers for poor behavior and preventing them. It means knowing what contrary habit might work best in helping her succeed. Watchfulness means setting up a situation (timing, environment, control, brainstorming) conducive to forming the habit and keeping it in the long term. It means altering the plan if the outcome isn't quite what you envisioned. Watchfulness means never allowing friction creating an ever-widening gulf within your family.

Persistence - Persistence means being vigilant until the habit sticks and not relaxing, undoing weeks of effort. It means staying hopeful, not cranky, when progress is slow. It means realizing that building one habit at a time in the marathon of childhood gets you farther than short bursts of programs that rob you of your energy and joy. Persistence means knowing that habits are not going to change overnight and require patience and consistency. Persistence does not mean helicopter parenting.

Before describing habit training, keep in mind these points:

• Habit training is hard and requires vigilance. Focus on one habit at a time or you may lose your mind.
• Try indirect cues. Commands rob children of the chance to think for themselves. Use hopeful and expectant looks. Speak with a calm and friendly voice. Simply stating their name may be enough to check their behavior.
• Avoid a "running fire of Do and Don't" (page 134). Consistent habit training will prevent that in the long run.
• Allow natural consequences to dictate the reward: washing the dishes means Mom has time to bake brownies, controlling a nasty temper lets the whole family enjoy life, paying attention during lessons leaves more time for play!
• Let divine grace rule your interactions. "But the little fellow has really not much power to recollect, and the mother will have to adopt various little devices to remind him... she never lets the matter be a cause of friction between herself and the child, taking the line of his friendly ally to help him against that bad memory of his" (page 123).

If you are habit training all the live-long day, something needs to change. Mason's analogy provides a sense of proportion once you have gotten into the habit of habit training:

Let me say that the education of habit is successful in so far as it enables the mother to let her children alone, not teasing them with perpetual commands and directions... but letting them go their own way and grow, having first secured that they will go the right way, and grow to fruitful purpose. The gardener, it is true, 'digs about and dungs,' prunes and trains, his peach tree; but that occupies a small fraction of the tree's life: all the rest of the time the sweet airs and sunshine, the rains and dews, play about it and breathe upon it, get into its substance, and the result is––peaches. But let the gardener neglect his part, and the peaches will be no better than sloes (page 134).

So, how does it look in action? Mason provides several examples, the first of a little girl who wastes time lacing her boots (pages 120-121). Instead of going for the surface issue (lacing), she zeroes on the real problem: daydreaming. (In fact, if you have a dawdler on your hands, I suggest you read Inconstant Kitty while you're at it.) Mom gives her daughter a few words about how much more time she'll have to play if she can dress for outdoors in five minutes. She watches her without a word, with expectant, warm looks, and only a slight touch if the girl lapses into a reverie. The mother makes a point to join her for all those instances where the girl dawdles. As the child becomes reliable after a few weeks, mother fades out of the picture.

The next example is about shutting the door of a room (pages 122-123). Mother gives her son the request and explains why—for the comfort of others (living in a drafty, old house, I spent the winter training Pamela on this habit). She promises to remind him if he forgets, and she does with a pleasant voice for she knows crying out in exasperation will only encourage him to increase the distance between himself and the open door. She reminds him indirectly because he needs to think for himself: she glances at the door and says, "I said I should try to remind you." Each time, she varies her gentle cues to transfer responsibility for remembering to him.

How would I work on a messy room? First, I would plant the idea of why her room should be cleaner and then I would think of a contrary habit to replace the messy one. There are plenty of good reasons to clean a room: fire hazard, tripping over stuff, not being able to find stuff, relatives coming for a visit, etc. Whatever your reasoning, it needs to be brief and presented in a way that the teenager gets. Avoid the temptation to kill interest with a monologue. On the contrary habit, you might try brainstorming possibilities that have a relational twist to it that makes you an ally. Pick just one habit and work on that. When that becomes automatic, pick another habit. Here are some ideas:

• Every day, set the timer for ten minutes and the two of you clean up together. Have you ever seen the ten-second tidy on Big Comfy Couch? It can be silly, fun, fast, whatever. Turn on some upbeat music. Laugh at the disgusting things you find. Let the teenager pick the time of day: it needs to happen once a day before the deadline you set. Some kids are happier having some control.
• Let the teenager pick the tasks hated least. Let the kid who hates dusting vacuum the messy room and perhaps others while you dust. In real life, people bargain.
• Before watching TV, pour the stuff from one drawer into a clothes basket. Take it to the TV room and have a trash can nearby. In two weeks of watching television, the drawers will probably show improvement. Buy any organizer things and start consolidating the scattered stuff.
• Brainstorm something completely different than what I have here. With some kids, having an ally to bounce off ideas is half the battle. Having a say in the matter, bargaining, and feeling like everyone's opinion matters makes a difference. It needs to be a daily habit that is short and palatable. Over time, you'll see progress.

Sometimes, family dynamics make the situation worse. The parent who is frustrated about the mess needs to back off and assess progress in a month. It helps to reframe words that may be truthful but fan the flames. "Your room is complete disaster. WHY did YOU leave it that way?" will cause the strong-willed child to fire right back. Asking why for rhetorical reasons invites conflict. It may require experimentation until the least divisive words are found. Asking "Have you had a chance to do the ten-minute tidy?" with pleasant, relaxed nonverbals may be all that is necessary. If not, asking the parent with the stronger relationship to handle may be a better way.

Chim, Chiminea . . .

Last Friday, we learned that we would be hosting our nephew from El Salvador for twelve days until his dormitory opens. We planned to meet up with his father and brothers on Saturday and take him home--a five-hour round trip. When I let Pamela know about her cousin's visit, she bolted and Snoopy danced her way through the house. Later, she came up to me and said, "Tomorrow's an exciting day!"

Yesterday morning, Steve was sitting in bed with his laptop, and I was just beginning to wake up at about seven. Pamela walked in the room, moved to Steve's side of the bed, looked at him, and said, "Good morning." Then, she walked around to my side of the bed and greeted me good morning, too!

These two stories illustrate a point: Pamela knows how to share sweet moments without having a hidden agenda. She did not share her excitement as means to worm her way into a trip to the mall or her favorite restaurant. In fact, they ended up shopping for golf clubs and eating at Outback, a restaurant we have never tried (yes, I know they feature a gluten-free menu and yummy food). She did not greet us with good morning and then hit us up with questions like "What's for breakfast?" or "When are we leaving?" Sometimes, people talk simply to share what they are thinking!

Those who endorse teaching through positive reinforcements often point out that we all work for money, and, if left unpaid, we would quit our jobs. Abraham Lincoln made a great point about work, "My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it." If offered two jobs with the same pay, one boring and the other fulfilling, most people would choose the latter. If all of our income needs were met, would we still work? It depends upon the nature of the job. Work that has intrinsic meaning and fulfillment would still be worth pursuing for its own sake.

Why do people volunteer? Once or twice a month, rain, stifling heat, or freezing cold, the kids and I deliver meals on wheels. We are not paid for it. The weather makes it unpleasant sometimes. The people we are serving will probably never be able to return the favor for they are poor and elderly. We serve them out of gratitude for our blessings in hopes of brightening their day with food and a friendly face.

What motivates people to feed the birds or exceed expectations in lawn care like Mr. Pearl Fryar in Bishopville? Why do we read books like The Lord of the Rings that teach us nothing practical but touch the soul? Why do we drive to a special spot to watch the sunrise? Why do folks cook a delicious meal when something easy like a peanut butter and jelly on wheat sandwiches with carrot sticks and an apple will do?

For some inexplicable reason that has to do with the sacredness of personality, we find it irresistable. Charlotte Mason believed we could teach children without toying with their desires. She wrote, "But knowledge is delectable. We have all the 'satiable curtiosity' of Mr. Kipling's Elephant even when we content ourselves with the broken meats flung by the daily press. Knowledge is to us as our mother's milk, we grow thereby and in the act of sucking are admirably content" (Volume 6, page 89).

Some criticize RDI because it ignores "proven" behavior principles like reinforcement and motivation. Can children with autism learn for the sake of learning without these principles? In Pamela's case, yes! I snicker because one board-certified behavior therapist admits that RDI may help "some advanced and naturally vocal children"--a person with lifelong aphasia who is still mastering English as a first language at age twenty is not what I call naturally vocal.

How do we teach children with autism without behavior principles? The other day Pamela ran into the house to tell me the chiminea had fallen. The news was not all that surprising for the thing was cracked in several spots. I asked Pamela if she wanted to help me clean up and she agreed. First, I pulled over the big trash can, opened it up, and looked at the mess, acting as if I were thinking about what to do first. Pamela looked at the mess too, grabbed a piece of the pot, and tossed it into the can. Then, I did the same. We took turns picking up big pieces, sticks, and trash we had intented to burn.

At one point, Pamela stopped and said, "Wash your hands." I noted, "My hands are dirty too. I'm going to wait until I'm finished." Then, I kept working and she did the same. We got to the point in which the only thing left was ash and small bits of debris. I said, "I don't think we can pick that up with our hands," and walked over to the shed. We found two shovels, a snow shovel and a digging shovel. Pamela had never used a big shovel before so I demonstrated how to use it and then we took turns trying out both shovels as long as it seemed worth while.

Ash was all over that corner of the brick patio, so we grabbed the big broom from the garage. Pamela held the snow shovel on the grass, while I swept ash onto the shovel. When finished, she dumped it into the trash can. To remove all of the fine ash, we walked over to the hose. Pamela secured the spray nozzle to the hose, and I turned it on. Then, she sprayed the brick until she thought it looked good enough. When finished, we put everything away and washed our hands.

Collaborating to figure out a new task is an example of guided participation. I structured the activity through familiar interaction patterns: alternating and simultaneous. When Pamela was unsure of a step, she looked at me and I nodded to let her know she was on track. She struggled to stick the snow shovel under the debris, and I scaffolded with my hands over her hands. I guided the movement of the shovel to the trashcan and held my hands underneath the handle in case Pamela found it too heavy. She did so well the first time dumping ash into the can, I backed out and let her be. The only time I stepped back into assist on her turn was when she asked for help. When I made declarative comments, I was just making talk. The goal of narrating is to describe what we are doing, not to tell Pamela what to do. Directing her verbally would rob her of the opportunity to think.

Behaviorists do somthing similar with "a heavy emphasis on making learning enjoyable, and on engaging the learner in positive social interactions" (Dr. Gina Green). Why must they make learning more palatable? Once Pamela learned to embrace change and novelty, she began to feel competent about the constant variations and unexpected events of life, which increased her motivation to learn. Dr. Steve Gustein's description fits Pamela well, "Apprentices who routinely experience challenges as safe and successful develop a strong motivation to explore and expand their world, as well as a sense of general well being, competence and trust in themselves and their guides." Even though she had never cleaned up a broken chiminea nor handled a shovel, she felt competent enough to try something new.

"These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire." Charlotte Mason's Fourth Principle of Education.

Wordless Wednesday: Pamela's Lunch Plans

Operation Christmas Child

Before I get to the main course, I have to share two appetizers. Yesterday, Pamela did two lovely things.

When David came downstairs, ready for church, he sat on a chair to watch television. Pamela walked into the room, and he said, "Good morning, Pamela!" She walked to him, gave him a big hug, and said, "Good morning!"

Later, at church, Pamela was being very static about Steve's traveling schedule next week. He told her he was flying to Atlanta on Thursday, but she was trying to convince him to drive instead. He explained that the flight to Atlanta is short, but it would take eight hours to drive there. She still thought her idea was better. She tapped him on his forehead and said, "Use your brain!" This was pure Pamela because we have never said nor done such a thing to her!

This year, Pamela and I put together a shoe box for Samaritan's Purse's Operation Christmas Child. Pamela decided to do a box for a little girl between the ages of five to nine. On Friday, we walked to a local discount store, bought a plastic container, and filled it with toys. Since we are working on living with uncertainty, I showed Pamela some money and put it in my pocket. We went on a walk, but I did not tell her where I was going. Clearly, she was curious because she asked me about it half-way to the store (there are several stores within walking distance of our house). However, she was collected enough to avoid the static on our walk and made lovely comments about what we experienced on the way.


On Friday, we bought all kinds of toys (a Beanie Baby doll, yo-yo, jump rope, ball, pink boa, and Slinky), school supplies (glue, markers, and crayons), and personal items (a handmade washcloth--I crocheted it, soap, barrettes, comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, and pretty socks). Pamela focused intently on her mission and did not always communicate well. When pointing the way, she did not always check to see if I am paying attention. As usual, I talked too much! I love her little asides . . . "I stole it" (when I told her I lost the list), "Ha, never mind!" (after I found the list), "No, I can't! How come?" (when she was ready to stop), "Over there, I told you" (after I failed to follow her). I loved our little problem-solving moment at the end when we were deciding if the box of crayons might fit. And, of course, I accidentally left one segment upside down . . . I'm tired, cold, and cranky and I'm leaving it as is!


On Sunday, Pamela typed a short letter with a picture of her and her babies. We wrapped the box and took it to church to meet today's deadline. First, we packed the box. Pamela focused on packing but did pause to make a couple of comments about the glue made in Columbus, Ohio, the Beanie Baby doll not being an animal, and the soft boa. She adjusted to me when I suggested doing the big things first, picking a better spot for the yo-yo, and looking at the musical toothbrush after I shook it.


When we wrapped the present, we kept our roles fluid to create uncertainty. Sometimes, I cut the tape and she placed it on the gift, and, at other times, it was vice versa. After we finished, we talked about what the little girl receiving the present might say and our favorite things in the gift. She was so delightful and really seemed to enjoy putting together the shoe box.


Here are some close-up shots of our box and all of the boxes our church donated.




Our next big projects are delivering meals on Thanksgiving and putting together an elder basket for Santee tribes in our state (due November 30).

Getting Ready for Hanna

One element of RDI is building episodic memory. Autistic children often excel at procedural memory (memorizing facts, learning verbal scripts, standard responses and phrasing, etc.). Procedural memory focuses on the predictable: factual details, procedures, scripts, and formulas. Episodic memory (recalling a vacation, describing a visit, sharing a funny story that happened at the store, etc.) focuses on the intangible: big picture, meaningful details, and narrative nature of what happened. Since we are in election fever right now, think of politician reading off the teleprompter and what happens when the teleprompter breaks. Some politicians hem and haw and fumble or even come to a screeching stop. The same thing happens when something unexpected throws off our children. Others politicians with the gift of gab fly by the seat of their pants, share the gist and emotion of the canned script, and throw in a couple of ad-libs and touching moments.

Tropical storms and hurricanes are a fact of life when you live in the Carolinas (like my family) or Louisiana (like Steve's family). We do not live in an area prone to flooding. The last devastating hurricane that tore this part of South Carolina was Hugo. I decided it might be a good idea to build memories on how to prepare for the severe weather we have the potential to face this time of the year.

On Friday, I checked out the weather forecast and, except for the tornado watch, I knew Hanna would be a pussycat in our county (the highest winds predicted were 22 mph). Why not show Pamela how we stow FOD--Foreign Object Damage--Navy for stuff that can blow away in strong wind--in preparation for tropical storm winds? Not only can she help us prepare, but she can store memories of a positive outcome so that she will stay calm for a major storm that heads our way.

What may interest you in this clip is how I handled Pamela's frustration once we transitioned to the front porch. There was too much uncertainty for her and, just as we discovered recently, Pamela used her meltdown alert cue "I don't think it's a good idea." You see, my consultant thought she scripted a lot on the "good idea" phrasing too much. I spent a day analyzing Pamela's phrasing when something goes wrong and she uses a wide variety of sentences, except when her anxiety levels begin to rise. When I hear her say the "good idea" line, then I know she is getting overwhelmed. So, I made a point to try to reassure her because I now recognize her automatic response when heading into fight or flight mode.

Here is the analysis of what happened that I sent to my consultant with the video clip:

Objective:
Pamela is the teller using imperative gestures. The activity is putting things away that might get wet or blown away in a tropical storm.

Overall impression:
Pamela is comfortable thinking through a new process, figuring out the right signs, and adding words when necessary. She notices when I am unsure and gives me more direction. Switching to directing David threw her off her game, but she recovered when we switched back to me.

What worked:
Pamela knows what needs to be put away in a situation we have never practiced. She figures out what to put away, where things should go, and when my arms are too full. She conveys instructions on what to pick up nonverbally--she has signals for "pick up," "pull," "open," and "close." She points me in the right direction and combines hand signals with head nods and shakes. When she used words only, I tried to do the wrong thing so she could come up with signs for me.

What did not work:
Pamela does not like getting wet and her anxiety increased when we felt sprinkles. I did not help matters because I felt rushed (David and I had more to put away that was beyond the scope of what I needed Pamela to do). I think she was unsure about the front porch which increased her anxiety. She understood we needed to move the ferns, but my lack of stature and the need to throw David into the equation frustrated her. He was not as responsive as I was. While she was at ease in the backyard, the transition to the front and all of the uncertainties rattled her enough to fall back into her "I don't think this is a very good idea" cue. The good thing is that, after we switched roles from David to me, Pamela got right back on track in directing me calmly and finished on a positive note. I always try to finish on a positive note.

Questions and comments:
How frustrating was this for her on a 1-10 scale? The back porch was a three, and the front porch was about an eight.


The neat thing is what happened the morning after Hanna whimpered. Pamela noticed the overcast skies and gentle rain and said to me, "Tropical storm freeze. Soft rain. No strong wind." (She uses the word "freeze" for "stop.") Pamela used declarative language to tell me what she observed. Then, I said to her, "I bet you are glad the storm wasn't bad." She agreed. Now she has a memory of a positive outcome from disaster preparedness upon which we can build.

Conference? What Conference?

Skip to the end if you want to know more about this flashback to the '70s!

You may be wondering how the Charlotte Mason Conference went because I have remained absolutely silent. It was FANTASTIC but I have had so little downtime I have not been able to blog about it. I will blog it as soon as I find time to process and reflect!

Why so busy? I returned Saturday night (June 14) and got up for church Sunday morning. I spent the rest of the day relaxing and catching up with David and Pamela.

While we Steve and I were gone, David was man of the house and took care of watering the yard, plants, ferns, and trees and feeding the pets. Pamela stayed with my parents who live across the street and furnished delicious meals for David. Where was Steve? He was supposed to leave for Ecuador on a business trip the same day I left for the conference (June 10). His flight was canceled, and he ended up attending the meeting via video conference. Rather than confuse Pamela with a last minute change of plans, they never told her that he was still home. Confused yet? He flew to Guatemala on Friday (June 13) for a niece's wedding (June 14) while I was still in Boiling Springs.

Both of my parents observed how much better Pamela processes what they say and how well she participates in back and forth exchanges. My mother shared a wonderful story about Pamela that spotlights the power of episodic memory. As you already know, she does not like changes in schedule and will fuss (hence the reason for staying mum on Steve's change of plans). If I promise to take her to the store and have to change the plan to another day, she sometimes fusses and tells me, "You broke a promise." My mother went to the dentist and had promised to take Pamela to Wal-Mart. The dentist visit turned out to be more draining than Mom had anticipated. Mom came home with a poochie cheek and mouth full of gauze. She told Pamela that they would go to Wal-Mart the next day.

Normally, Pamela would cry and become flustered in a situation like that. However, she did not fuss; she did not complain; she did not talk back; she remained absolutely calm about this sudden and abrupt change of plans. I really think she reflected back to how miserable she was when she had her wisdom teeth removed a few years ago. Pamela took three weeks to get back to herself because she found it so traumatic. She still talks about the misery of it from time to time. I think she had sympathy for how my mother felt and let her desire to shop go without a peep.

So back to my crazy week! Sunday night (June 14), I wrote one lesson plan for VBS and spent three hours at church on Monday. I unpacked and managed a week's worth of laundry for the three of us for the rest of Monday. On Tuesday, the day Steve was supposed to come home, I spent only twenty minutes at jury duty because the defendants never appeared at traffic court. Steve called and alerted me to a sudden change of plans to fly to Chile for an important business meeting. He had no time to drive home and back, so I packed winter business clothes for him and Pamela and I drove the three hour round trip to the airport and watched Steve repack at baggage claim. Exciting, huh?

Tuesday night, a friend of a friend called to ask me about RDI (and I am happy to help any family get started on that journey) so I did not tackle Wednesday's VBS lesson plan until 10:30 Tuesday night. I apent another three hours at VBS and thoroughly enjoyed teaching the children on Wednesday then unpacked Steve's bags and did a week's worth of his laundry! I spent Thursday cleaning the house and meeting with the friend of a friend interested in RDI.

The kids and I finally got around to doing some academics on Friday when one of David's out-of-town friends came over to visit. Before I knew it, they sprung an impromptu sleepover on me, but I was fine with that. The next morning, I woke up at zero dark thirty to drive three hours one-way to a meeting with Dr. Gutstein, our consultant and other families--yes, it was worth the drive. Steve came home while I was out and, when I arrived home, I finally saw him after nearly two weeks apart! The next morning I woke up early to attend both services because our trio was singing Beautiful Savior. We relaxed but did squeeze in one of the RDI E-learning modules. Monday, we did some more academics, and I unpacked Steve's bag and cycled through more laundry (it is starting to sound monotonous).

Is this week any less busy? No, but I have great reasons why . . . my best friend from high school and her husband and 15 month-old daughter are vacationing in Charleston. We got together for typical touristy things like Fort Sumter and Cypress Gardens. I will blog more on that later . . . oh, yeah, and I am writing an article for ChildLightUSA's The Review due July 1 in between engagements.

P.S. Speaking of engagements, Pamela and I are going dress shopping for my niece's wedding. She wants all of her female cousins to play a role in the wedding, primarily bride's maids. As that would be too much for Pamela, she lovingly thought of a part for Pamela: hand out little brochures that explain the history of the beautiful, old chapel where the ceremony will take place. That way, Pamela can participate at a level that does not overwhelm her. She has not worn dresses in years so buying what I am calling a "Princess dress" is going to be quite an experience.

Wordless Wednesday: The Benefits of RDI

Wordless Wednesday: RDI Lifestyle Activities (Plus New Interest--Time Zones)